Tonio is right

It's not often that I find myself in agreement with Tonio, but on this one I think he has a point.

It's perfectly true. The Nationalist Party WAS a democratic party inspired by Christian values, and it WAS a lay party and not a fundamentalist one... until it was taken over by Messers (in every sense of the word) Laurence Gonzi and Tonio Borg.

The rest is history...

Unveiled: monument to sperm

A monument to the Sperm Cell was inaugurated yesterday in a public ceremony in Foetus Square.

The sculpture was commissioned by the pro-fanaticism movement, Gift of Lib, as part of its drive to re-ignite the prehistoric cult of fertility on the island of Malta.

Speaking at the ceremony, the President of the Republic said: "I'm a Roman Catholic. And have been since before I was born. And the one thing they say about Catholics is: They'll take you as soon as you're warm. You don't have to be a six-footer. You don't have to have a great brain. You don't have to have any clothes on. You're A Catholic the moment Dad came. Because every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate."

Addressing the crowd, the chair-spermatozoa of Gift of Lib added: "Let the heathen spill theirs on the dusty ground! God shall make them pay for each sperm that can't be found! Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, spill theirs just anywhere. But God loves those who treat their semen with more care."

Blessing the monument, the parish priest concluded: "Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is good. Every sperm is needed, in your neighbourhood."

(To make your own donation to Gift of Lib, send your sperm sample, preferably in a labelled jar, to: Gift of Lib, Semen House, Penetration Road, Fecundania)

My Big Fat Upper Barrakka Wedding

Ah, it's my favourite time of the week again: parliamentary question time!

In the old days, MPs used to ask such boring questions. Like: how much did you spend on this? How many applications were received for the tender to that? And what are the chances of being infected with H5N1 through exposure to illegal immigrants who broke out of the Hal Safi detention to have a meal at KFC?

Fortunately, today's generation of MPs have much more varied interests. Like Dr Jason Azzopardi (left), who deemed it a matter of extreme urgency to ask Environment Minister George Pullicino the following, earth-shattering question:

How many weddings were held at the Upper Barrakka last year?

Naturally I awaited the answer with bated breath. And George Pullicino did not disappoint: Only one wedding was held at the Upper Barrakka, my dear Jason, he said. There were two applications, but one was withdrawn at the eleventh hour.

Gee. My life is so much richer now that I am privy to this sensational piece of information. So my only complaint is that there were no follow-on questions from our intrepid investigative Member of Parliament. Like: whose wedding was it? What was the bride wearing? Who provided the catering? Did anyone get food poisoning? And, most important of all... WHY WASN'T I INVITED?

Maybe next week...

(Oh, and while I'm on the subject of asking questions... How much do our MPs get paid again?)

Ghaxar xhur tqala?!

"it-TORCA wettqet investigazzjoni dettaljata u llum tista’ tizvela li b’e-mail u telefonata l-Ingilterra, mara Maltija tista’ taghmel abort Londra b’Lm600 biss, li jinkludi biljett ta’ l-ajru u akkomodazzjoni ta’ lejl. Dan ghal nisa li ma jkollhomx aktar minn ghaxar xhur tqala."

Something tells me Victor Vella needs a crash course in basic human biology...

Skip survey results #2

According to the shocking results of our latest scientific poll, a relative majority of Maltese people want a 24-hour curfew to be imposed without delay in order to solve the nation's congenital public transport disorders.

Exactly half the respondents (50 per cent ) voted for the immediate introduction of a 24-hour curfew, which would relieve the public transport system of the bother of actually transporting members of the public.

Forty-two per cent favour legislation which would force members of parliament to work as part-time bus-drivers, while eight per cent believe the problem could be solved by reinstating Sea Malta.

Meanwhile, the Skip is reliably informed that as a result of this scientific survey, a delegation headed by the Interior Ministry's "G.I. Joe" Azzopardi has already left for Baghdad, Iraq, where it will be attending seminars on how to seriously curtail the free movement of people in order to minimise inconvenience to the government (which might otherwise actually have to do some work).

And now for something else. Our latest scientific poll concerns the identity of the mysterious supercolumnist, Roamer, who writes in The Sunday Times (Is it a priest? Is it a Republican? Or is it just another Nationalist liberal-basher with nothing better to do?)

Please note that, unlike previous polls, users can vote differently every day of the year. This way, you are free to change your mind depending on what Roamer writes each week.

Happy voting....

Skip Survey results #1

According to the results of Skip on Toast's first ultra-scientific survey, the vast majority of the Maltese people (60 per cent) would like a Constitutional amendment to introduce: a) the death penalty for adultery; b) mandatory burkas for Gzira women; c) obligatory portraits of Lawrence Gonzi in all homes and offices; d) hard labour for homosexuals; e) compulsory Sunday mass attendance, and f) internment and exile for all environmentalists and left-wing intellectuals.

Of the remaining 40 per cent, half want only the mandatory burka, while the other half want only the obligatory pictures of Lawrence Gonzi in all homes and offices.

These findings have since been communicated to the Ministry for Justice, Idiocy and the Interior, which will shortly be issuing letters to invite all members of Civil Society (that's politico-speak for "all tombola clubs, bocci associations and flower arranging societies") to write in on pain of deportation to signal their whole-hearted approval of this entrenchment proposal... which will naturally be hurried through parliament before the summer recess, to make sure no-one gets a chance to actually discuss it.

Meanwhile, thank you all for your kind participation (No flowers by request, but donations can be made to: Skip On Toast Scientific Surveys United, Public Opinion Street, Maghtab.)

We don't need no (sex) education

Interesting statistics from today's Independent:

"Dr Gonzi said that the number of mothers who had children when they were not yet 16 varied from 19 in 2000, 16 in 2001, 11 in 2002, 17 in 2003, 21 in 2004 and 14 last year.

The number mothers who were aged 16 in the year they gave birth, ranged from 22 in 2000, 29 in 2001, 26 in 2002, and 2003, 28 in 2004 to 40 last year.

He then said that the number of children born to unmarried mothers was: 470 in 2000, 521 in 2001, 554 in 2002, 658 in 2003, 727 in 2004 and 783 in 2005."

This is how it looks like plotted on a couple of graphs:

Some people out there might look at those statistics and draw the mistaken conclusion that we in Malta could possibly do with a little basic sex education in schools. You know, contraception, family planning and all that.

Of course not! How absurd. What we really need to do is keep yammering away about our Christian heritage and family values... and maybe boast in parliament about how we never use condoms because we're all such fantastic Catholics.

Isn't that right, Sonia?

Just a suggestion...

Surprised no one's come up with the most obvious national symbol for the Maltese euro coin yet...